Tuesday, April 5, 2011

How to Rock the Boat...Without a Boat

Hey, wanderers. It's been a while since I posted...but par for the course I guess. This post is actually one that I've been wanting to share with people for a while, but I could never find an appropriate setting.

This post is not really for you if:
  • you have those irritating things called morals/are easily offended
  • you have never/will never travel with someone you're banging
Everyone else: let's get down to business.

Neurobomber and I have different histories with this topic. He always had a bedroom and a door to lock when he wanted action. I envy that. But he also got a later start in the game than I did. In high school I had a steady boyfriend and a mix of hormones going that could have reanimated the dead. But I (and the boyfriend) also had very strict, conservative parents, who wouldn't leave us alone for more than 5 minutes at a time. But like all good American teenagers, we found ways around it. Really risky, dirty ways; but we never got caught. The denial of a safe room sparked ingenuity.

Here's a fun game: what are the top 5 weirdest places you've ever gotten laid?
  1. a tennis club, subsequently having to break a cheap security camera
  2. outside a movie theater parking garage, behind some bushes
  3. a bench behind a football field
  4. a concrete slab in the middle of the woods
  5. outside an abandoned barn
If you can't imagine yourself gettin' it on in any of those situations, go join Neurobomber in the prude corner. Unfortunately for you, I'm going to educate the prude corner on how to get it on on the road when you might not have the luxury of a room or a bed.


If you have a car, you're already a bit safer and you generally only need to know where to park. If it's daylight, I don't recommend it. But at night, you have lots of options. You usually want to wait until it's fairly late--after midnight is best. Then a lot of places are closed and you can use their parking lots. Suburban areas are usually better for this kind of situation; you can use church or school lots or, if it's REALLY late, just park on a quiet neighborhood street. If you're out of the way of other cars, no one's going to give a crap about what you're doing. Check your window see-through factor by getting out of the car and looking at the front and back windshields to estimate how much a passing car or person can see. Sometimes parking under a streetlight can actually decrease visibility, but it depends on the car. Though it sounds unromantic, each person involved is responsible for scanning out the windows every so often to check on the surroundings. Do NOT use a rest stop or highway turnout for this method; the cops will catch you with your pants down. Although if you stumble upon a low-traffic road in a rural area with a ghost-town sort of vibe, go for it. Risk-taker? Try a parking garage. Be careful with that one; it's possible, but tough to find a good spot.


Truck stop showers are a godsend. They cost $8-10, but getting clean after a few days of driving is priceless. Also, the attendants don't care if you share a shower with someone and they won't harass you if you're in there for a while (try to keep it under 2 hours though, for courtesy's sake). This method is good for daylight because you get your own private room. Sometimes there's even those awesome shower stools in there.

At the Drive-In

The song is true. Drive-ins are a great place for dirty deeds. Especially for movies starting around 9, there usually aren't any families around and most folks are just there to smoke some weed and, well, do the same thing you're there for. The big bright screens make car windows extra-dark, so as long as you respect other people's privacy, they'll respect yours.


You don't have a car, shower access, or money, just a fierce desire for lust and a willing companion. Well friend, I've been there, and you have to get creative and dangerous. But that just makes it more fun. These are all risky but I've also done them without being discovered, so it's not impossible.

Desperate in Daylight:
  • Go on a little hike. Then go off the trail. Make sure you don't get lost. Bring a towel if you can, tissues if you can't; a tree makes a good place to put your back.
  • Is it after 3? School's out. I know how horrible this sounds but I've had lots of good times on a playground. Sometimes you get lucky and find a shed or hiding place that no one will walk by. Any sort of grade school is a a potential area, elementary through high school. Check the dugout or behind a field, anywhere there's trees, and the kindergarten area. Watch out for soccer practice. Risk-taker? Hide under the slide.
Desperate at Night:
  • Again, schools are full of hiding places, especially when everyone's gone home.
  • Risk-taker? Crash a party, find an empty room.
  • If business places are closed and no one's sticking around, go round the back. There might be a fenced area you can infiltrate or a loading dock to shield you.
  • Parking garages late at night, if you're on foot, are not comfortable; but they're dark and have lots of secluded spots.

There are some places even I would never consider dropping my pants.
  • Graveyards: quiet, yes. Secluded, yes. Full of dangerous junkies, very yes.
  • On the street: gross and makes you vulnerable.
  • WHILE COUCHSURFING: NO!! This is the rudest thing you could do. Even if they leave you alone, even in the shower, never do this. That's their house, they don't know you, please spare them any trace of your bodily fluids and humping noises.
  • Public restrooms: if you didn't have any diseases before, you will now.
  • Changing rooms in stores: don't even think about it. You will get caught right away.

  1. If you're going to be outside, or even in the car, make sure you stick some tissues or paper towels in your pocket. Clean-up will be a lot messier if you don't.
  2. Only engage if BOTH people feel safe in the area you choose. It sucks enough that you don't have a room; it sucks more if one of you isn't enjoying it.
  3. Watch out for each other. Scan the horizon and have an escape plan ready.
  4. This goes without saying, but be quiet and keep a low profile. Don't trespass in someone's backyard and expect to not get caught.
  5. Be adventurous; any place that isn't being frequented by other people might be a good spot, so keep an open mind and take good opportunities when they come up (they might not come up again for a while!)
  6. RELAX! Nobody gives a crap about what you're doing. It's embarassing getting caught but the world won't end, and people will generally leave you alone. Your life is not a TV show; the world is not watching you, and even if they catch a glimpse, they probably don't care.
Go out. Have adventures. Bond with someone. Get good stories to tell! And be safe.

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